Do you remember an email that made the rounds about a year or two ago where Britain supposedly “repossessed” the United States?
In case it doesn’t ring a bell, you can read the original here: Notice from the British Embassy
It basically states that since we’ve elected someone like George Bush, we can no longer be trusted to run our own affairs:
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Well, turnabout being fair play and with Britain being led by the colourless Gordon Brown, I’ve composed a retort that you can download here: Notice from the American Embass
Or you can read it below:
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The U.S. Embassy
24 Grosvenor Square
London, W1A 1AE
United Kingdom, November 05, 2008
From: Barack Obama
To: John Cleese and the Citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland
Re: The U.S. is annexing the United Kingdom
In light of the fact that America has recently elected a dynamic, intelligent and worldly President, and it is now your country that is being run by an uninspiring, plodding and inarticulate clod, the President of the United States of America has decreed that Great Britain, all its nations, and territories (except for Croydon, which he hears is not very nice) will now form the 51st state of the union, hereafter to be called Britainsas. That will be pronounced “Britain –saw” in the standard American fashion.
To aid in the transition to a state of the U.S.A., the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
– Your multitudinous accents are hereby revoked so that you can no longer judge each other merely based on the sound of your voices. After a random drawing, we have selected the Newcastle “Geordie” accent as the only acceptable intonation. The use of any other accent, dialect or inflection, whether it be Cockney, Home County, Glaswegian, or Northern Irish shall be punishable by the opening of a can of good old fashioned American whup-ass. Now you will all sound the same and be able to judge each other solely based on personal appearance, in the proper American manner
– All formerly British citizens will be issued with firearms to be concealed upon their persons. This one action will dramatically and immediately reduce harassment by hoodies, thugs, yobs, and charity muggers, as every citizen of Britainsas will be “packing heat” that can be called upon in the event of any dispute or annoyance. Muttering under your breath, or “just getting on with it” in a British manner will no longer be the accepted as conflict resolution options.
– All British food is hereby banned. Chips are now French Fries. The word burger must be preceded by “ham” even though no ham is to be used in their creation. Pies are to contain only apples, cherries, pecans or blueberries and only to be served at the end of a meal. You may still of course eat fish, but it will not be breaded and deep fried and served wrapped in newspaper. Speaking of newspapers, you are no longer permitted to print them, as you have shown yourself, by virtue of the Sun, Mail, Express, Star and Sport to be irresponsible lovers of dimwit journalism. Page three on USA Today will now feature a daily picture of a naked woman, as a concession to your old world ways.
– The BBC is to be disbanded, which is what most of you want anyway, according to your former newspapers, the Sun, Mail, Express, Star and Sport. You will no longer blather on endlessly about Only Fools and Horses, but instead learn to appreciate and quote from Simpsons episodes on command. You will be asked to sign a confession that that admits that Ricky Gervais’ The Office really wasn’t as funny as you remembered it , and to admit that you have always secretly loved the Benny Hill Show.
– Kate Moss, Lilly Allen, Peaches Geldof, David and Victoria Beckham, Amy Winehouse and Sienna Miller have not been extended this invitation and must remain in the independent city-state of Croydon, around which a large wall will be built. Your other celebrities will no longer be required to pretend that it’s unimportant to them to “make it in America.” Kylie, Robbie, Jordan and Girls Aloud can now retire into obscurity without shame.
–You may continue to brew your beloved British ale, but you must learn to actually drink it. The cheap Continental lagers that are the only things you actually do drink (Stella, Carlsberg and Kronenbourg), shall be forbidden, to punish for your snobbery in advocating a beverage that very few of you actually seem to enjoy.
– You will learn to enjoy American Football, in which it is the role of the players to be violent, and you will cease to participate in English Football, where it seems to be the fans’ job to be violent. You may continue to play cricket, but you must stop pretending that the impenetrability of its rules makes it interesting. It’s not. It’s exactly as boring and irrelevant as baseball. Get over it. Basketball is your new national sport, and if you confuse it with netball, you will be immediately deported.
– Everyone with a knighthood will have to renounce it or face deportation to Croydon. In America, you’d be wise to call everyone Sir, because you never know who is “packing heat” as per the rule above. Oh, and your Queen and royal family are to be stripped of their titles and all their possessions sold off.
– You will learn modern technology, such as faucets (not to be called taps anymore- if you can’t create it, you don’t get to name it.) Faucets are ingenious inventions that are capable of dispensing a mixture of hot and cold water from one source. This technology has been around for more than 100 years, and your inability to embrace it is emblematic of why your trains are all late and your construction projects all run years late and millions over budget.
– Most of all, you will have lost your ability to excuse all your sins, political, moral and cultural with the dismissive evasion “at least it’s better than America.” Now that you are a part of America, you will have to sort out your problems, such as your rigid class structure, violent culture and the fact that you have been the world’s biggest arms merchants (look it up). We have great respect for all our friends in Britainsas, we just would like you to learn to get off your high horse every once in a while.
Now perhaps you will learn not to judge a nation’s people solely on the basis of their current leader. This lesson should be heeded carefully by those looking at Italy’s Silvio Berlusconi. There’s always room for a 52nd state.
God Bless the United States of America
